Jasmine and her Donkey Things
by IUseGoldenInk
Summary: Jasmine is an almost normal Slytherin. She is mean and everything, but her major particularity is that she is French. And she tends to simply translate her French idioms, which annoys the living hell out of her friends. T for language. Humor and Friendship mostly, but romance will cross Jasmine's path!
1. Bunch of Animals

Ok, so this is my first drabble. The principle of this story is for you to discover some French idioms, that I always use (in French). I recently noticed that I tend to translate them in English, when I'm too tired, instead of looking for the proper equivalent. This chapter is about two idioms which are explained during the story and at the end. Please, read my note at the end, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Harry Potter, otherwise, Theo and Blaise would be in almost every scenes, Pansy would be smart (in my head, she is smart. She is a strong girl, and I hate how she was pictured in the movie and the book.) and Ron, Percy, Ginny and their parents would be long dead. However, I own Jasmine. She is mine!

Thank you very much to my lovely beta-reader, **shipallllltheships **and to the lovely **Waddles26813 **who gave me some very useful tips.

Every mistakes in my introduction or in my Author Note is completely mine, because I was too lazy to write it before my beta corrected this chapter.

* * *

I was really bored. I mean, like totally. Classes were boring, my friends were boring. Even my food was boring. So the only funny thing I could do was throw food at my dear Theo while talking to my best friend, Blaise. Blaise was relatively stupid but I didn't care, cause all I needed was someone who could listen to me without talking too much. We were talking about our ugly DADA teacher. I don't like the word DADA. In French, a dada is what kids call a horse. And we were obviously not having a horse-riding lesson with that creepy teacher. I am pretty sure he is a p********. I mean, look at how close he and Scarhead are.

Anyway, Blaise and I were arguing about who was the ugliest: Scarhead, Weaselbee or Lupin. Of course, every Slytherin voted for Lupin, because Potty and the Weasel had already won enough of our polls during the previous years.  
Just as Blaise and I were about to pass by the door, the Golden trio and their favorite teacher entered the room.

"Hey Blaise, look. When we speak about the wolf..."  
At this moment, the three Griffons seemed shocked, and Lupin was taken aback.  
"What does that mean, Jasmine darling?" asked my best friend  
"Well, you know, we were talking about Lupin and the Griffons, and just then, they arrived. Isn't that a hell of a coincidence?"  
"Yeah, but 'when we speak about the wolf' doesn't make any sense."  
"Maybe for you, but educated people obviously understand what this mean. Which is exactly why you don't understand, Blaise."  
"I don't think so."  
"You don't _think _at all."  
"I bet that if we ask anyone in his room, they will agree that that sentence doesn't mean anything."  
"Ok, go on. Who do you want to ask?"  
"Take a guess. A blond guy you particularly dislike."  
"C'mon Blaise! You don't get to ask Theo something like that! He will disagree with what I say no matter what!"  
"Yeah, because you're speaking rubbish."  
"I _am not_."  
"Hey, I don't want to disturb you guys or anything but what are you exactly talking about?" the mudblood asked.  
"That's none of your business!"  
"Yeah, but, what were you saying about a wolf?"  
"_That's none of your business_! Does the fact that you're a mudblood also keep you from hearing properly?"

"Don't call her a mudblood!" The ugly redhead started screaming.  
"Kids, just stop," Lupin said calmly.  
"We do whatever we want, creep!"  
"Don't go insulting our teacher! That's really bad!" Pottyhead shouted.  
"Ohhh, my goodness, just shut up! Let's make a deal, if you tell us whether the sentence 'When we speak about the wolf' exists or not, we will just leave the four of you alone for like... a few hours."  
"That's the worst deal you have ever thought of, Blaise!"  
"I agree, that's a s*** deal," started Weasel, before Granger cut in.  
"It doesn't exist. However, I think that in the French language, the idiomatic 'quand on parle du loup' is practically equivalent to 'speak of the devil.' It's an abbreviation of 'quand on parle du loup, on en voit la queue,' which means 'when we speak about the wolf, you see its tail.' But here, we usually say 'speak of the devil and he appears.' It comes from..."  
"Just shut up!" Blaise and I shouted in unison.  
"You know what mudblood? You really shouldn't speak French. French is a noble language, made for noble people. For example, Slytherins, especially Draco, Blaise and I…"  
"And Theo," Blaise added.  
"are made to speak French. _Tu comprends, sale sang-de-bourbe_?"  
"I don't fully understand but I'm willing to bet that that wasn't nice," muttered Weasley.  
"Wow! You are obviously smarter than what you look!" I said quickly.  
"C'mon, Jass, let's move," Blaise said, already heading toward the door.  
Once we were safely in the Slytherin common room, I continued our previous conversation.  
"My God, can you believe that Granger! I hate her! You know what? She speaks French like a Spanish cow. The fact that she _looks_ like a cow doesn't help, of course."  
"Jasmine, just stop with all of your stupid animals! The Golden Buffoons and Lupin aren't wolves, Granger isn't a 'Spanish cow' and you certainly shouldn't be allowed to speak English. You really ruin our language, you know?"

* * *

Well, hey guys! Jasmine is a French student who has been at Hogwarts for 2 years and a half. She is a Slytherin and she is pretty mean. I love her! I just want to warn you that the Golden Trio or anyone who is not a Slytherin won't be present during most of the chapters. My characters are mostly Jasmine, Theo and Blaise and Draco and Pansy will be present in most of the chapters, but for minor parts. The chapters are not published in a chronological order. Maybe the following one will take place in Jasmine's first year. So the two French idioms are 'when we speak about the wolf,' which is explained by Granger, and 'She speaks French like a Spanish cow' which simply means she doesn't know how to speak French. 'Tu comprends, sale sang-de-bourbe' means 'you understand, filthy mudblood?'  
Have a good day!

PS: For the record, this fiction is my first fiction, I have only ever done a few translations, and it's in English. Which is not my mothertongue. Actually, I have learned English for 5 years, and I study in France, and everyone that we French people sucks in language, so well... be nice! (Honestly, just tell me what you guys thought of it!)


	2. Those Damn Drivers

We were all in my brother's car: Blaise, Draco, Pansy and unfortunately, Theo. We were going to a club in London, to, celebrate our OWLs results. Well, Blaise didn't have much to celebrate... No, I'm just being mean... but he certainly had fewer than Draco, Pansy, Theo or even me. Anyway, we wanted to go to this brand new club called 'Koko.' I know, I know, the name is pretty ugly, but it was famous for its celebrities and I really wanted to get laid... I mean, sorry, I really wanted to find my true love. To congratulate me on my OWLS, my parents were letting me go to this club on the Magicobus. But come on. I mean, we are the best of the best purebloods in this world, and they want us to be in contact with filthy halfbloods, or worse, mudbloods? We are already with them during the entire school year, and it's more than enough. Can you believe that we share our food with them? It's a real shame. So, well, we decided to steal my brother's car, which was a magic car. It probably cost more than most of those stupid mudbloods' houses. We were currently being terrified by Blaise's driving, which could be considered deadly. And not in a fun way. We had only been in the car fifteen minutes, and the police had already arrested us twice. The first time, Draco cast a spell on the policeman because he leaned on our car, therefore infecting it. The second time, Theo-le-pas-beau or Theo-the-ugly, for the roast beefs, simply erased his memory.

"For God's sake, Blaise, slow down! You roll with the tomb open, and I'm way too young, too pretty and too funny to die because of your f*** driving!" I started shouting.  
"Jasmine, he doesn't roll with the tomb open. He is simply driving. Maybe a little too fast, but still…" Pansy, the voice of reason, tried to say.  
"Plus, no one would cry if you died. Actually, I think it would be pretty funny," added Theo.  
"You are really trying to get on my nerves, aren't you?" I answered Theo.  
"Yeah, it's one of my passions."  
"You are soooo stupid, I don't even know why I'm still talking to you."  
"You're still here, because we are in a car. Therefore, you can't move. Stop being a smart-a**, it doesn't suit you."  
Draco interrupted us. "Could the both of you stop whatever you're doing? Jasmine, care to explain what this stupidity means?"  
"It's not a stupidity! It simply means the way he rolls, or the way he drives, it's the same thing, is so horrible that our tomb has been already opend to welcome us. I am sure you all cheated at the OWLs, because otherwise, I would have beaten the s*** out of you. You are all so stupid."  
"Can you stop being so rude, please?" asked Pansy.  
"I'm French, Pansy chérie. We French are rude, and it's not shocking."  
"Thank god we arrived!" yelled Theo, obviously relieved.

We spent a few hours at Koko. Draco and Blaise found some sweet girls who spent the night washing their mouths, Blaise's girl earning deathly glares from Pansy. I don't know how he can be so oblivious that he doesn't see that Pansy has a crush on him. Everyone sees it! Even Snape! I, however, was not as free as Draco and Blaise. Theo had obviously once more been paid by my dad to take care of me, meaning 'no boys allowed.' I tried to bribe him so I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but he told me that if I tried again, he would hex me. And everyone knows that Theo is only second in the school rankings because Granger hadn't been exterminated yet, so I wasn't very keen on trying to defend against his hexes. We decided that Theo was going to drive us back because he was the most sober. Unfortunately, he drove like my grandma. Maybe even slower. So I decided to encourage him with a little song.

"Chauffeur, si tu es champion, appuyeuh, appuyeuh, chauffeur, si t'es champion, appuye sur le champignon!  
"Can't you sing it in English?" asked Blaise, who seemed impatient to sing.  
"Your wish is my command, darling. 'Driver, if you are the champ, press, press, driver, if you are the champ, press on the mushroom.' All together now! 'Driver, if you are..."  
"Shut up! For f***'s sake, I swear that I will hex you six times to Sunday if you don't shut the f*** up."  
"Ohhh...ickle Theo is now a grown-up, all rude and everything. Don't you like my song?"  
"No. I hate it. I hate it so much that I want to throw you out onto the sidewalk.  
"You're so mean, Theo. I hate you." I said, before falling asleep.  
I woke up several hours after, in the arms of a tall blonde that wasn't Draco Malfoy, carrying me into my room... 

* * *

I wanted a kind of fluffy end, just so you could start to imagine everything that's going to happen between my two darlings. Yeah, I love them.

'You roll with the tomb open' is in French 'tu roules à tombeau ouvert'. It's not a idom that I frequently used, but it's still pretty cool.

The song 'Chauffeur, si tu es champion, appuyeuh, appuyeuh, chauffeur, si t'es champion, appuye sur le champignon!' is the kind of song you sing when you're going to visit some boring stuff in your school bus with you friends.

Again, sorry for the 'f***' for everyone who is disturbed by this kind of word... I personally use the French equivalent 'p*tain' at least five time an hour, so I admit that I tend to be rude in English too...

For the record, I've posted here twice in a day, but my uptades will certainly be more weekly, except if I really have some enthusiastic readers, that make me want to spent my days writing.

Byyyye!


	3. Cheese-eating surrender monkey

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Harry Potter, otherwise, Theo and Blaise would be in almost every scenes, Pansy would be smart (in my head, she is smart. She is a strong girl, and I hate how she was pictured in the movie and the book.) and Ron, Percy, Ginny and their parents would be long dead. However, I own Jasmine. She is mine!

Thank you very much to my lovely beta-reader, **shipallllltheships**. She really is the best with all her cool tips!

Every mistakes in my introduction or in my Author Note is completely mine, because I was too lazy to write it before my beta corrected this chapter.

* * *

Pansy and I were in the library. Yes, I do spend time in the library, and so does Pansy. Did you know that Pansy is the second smartest woman in this school? And did you also know that of the ten best students in our class, none of them are from Ravenclaw? Their reputation is really overrated. I mean, Draco, Pansy and Theo are all in the top ten. Theo is second in our year. Even though I am sure he cheats at his tests. Better yet, I'm sure he switches our papers, so he gets all of my answers (which are always right, of course) and I get his s***** answers. Therefore he gets an O, and I get a P. My god, I am the real genius here. However, I guess that still doesn't explain why I also fail in Runes, where Theo can't switch our papers, and he still does excellent in Arithmancy. I will figure it out, I swear to Merlin, even if it's the last thing I do in my life.

As you may have noticed, Blaise and I are not in the top ten. Yes, we know. No, we don't care. Ok, that's a lie. Blaise doesn't care, because Blaise _knows_ he is too stupid to be in the top ten. I've never even seen him open a single book during our years here at Hogwarts, and I highly doubt I'll ever see it happen. But me! ME! I work EVERYDAY! More than that, I work EVERYDAY with Pansy _and_ Draco. You'd think some of their brains would rub off on me.

Anyway, Pansy and I were working on one of our Transfiguration assignments. We had to write 100 cm of parchment about some spells that no one, except Granger, cared about. God, I hate Granger.

"Pansy, how about you do all my homework, and, in exchange, I give you a manicure tonight?" I proposed.

"Jasmine, you don't know how do manicures. Your manicure spell always ends up getting nail polish everywhere except for your nails, and you won't do it the Muggle way." she answered, still focusing on her assignment.

"But Pansyyyyy! How do you except me to understand what I'm writing about? Hell, I don't even know what the main topic is." I let out several fake sobs.

"Well, you should have listened more carefully."

Yeah, I know, she can be a real Hermione Granger sometimes.

"But why do I need to listen? I thought my best friend would do my assignment, as usual."

"Well, then go ask Blaise."

"I was talking about you."

"I'm not your best friend."

"Of course you are!"

"Well, if so, I'm retiring from the job. It's, like, the worst job ever. I mean, how do you expect me to spend my day listening to your stupidities, or to your 'donkey things' as you call them?"

"I don't know, go ask Blaise. Actually, no, you can't quit as my best friend. I'm firing you from the job. Blaise is so much better than you at it. However, you are more than welcome to become my personal slave."

"You are really dreaming, Darling."

"Dreaming of you, Pansy."

"Just, shut up, ok?"

"Oh... You are getting so sassy. I like it!"

Before Pansy had the chance to answer, a brown storm rushed in.

"So, how are you girls doing?" asked my best friend. The _real one_.

"We were doing more than fine, Blaise, until you came in to disturb us," snapped Pansy.

"What about you, Jasmine?"

"I'm working so hard that I have my head in the handlebears!"

"What?!" Blaise and Pansy asked in unison.

"Well, you know, I'm working so hard that my head is falling into the handlebears. You know, on that muggle thing, their 'ground broom.' To drive, they turn the handlebears." I retorted, looking at them as if they were stupid. Which they _are_.

"Their bike?" proposed a student seated at the table next to us. He was particularly ugly.

"Maybe. In what way does it concern you? And who the hell are you?!" I asked him, furious. Who does he think he is to interrupt our conversation?

"Well, I was just trying to help you... By the way, they're called handlebars, not handlebears. And I'm Seam..."

"First of all, I don't need your help. Secondly, who are you to give me a vocabulary lesson? No one. And thirdly, I wasn't actually expecting an answer."

"Yeah, she was asking a rhetorical question," snapped Blaise, furious that a simple Gryffindor was talking to his amazing best friend: **me**.

"Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. And you're welcome for the bike and the handlebars," answered the ugly one before grabbing his books and leaving.

"Those Griffins are really insufferable! Can you believe how impolite this idiot was?" I asked, still shocked by his rudeness.

"Well, they are Gryffindors. That explains everything." answered Pansy.

She added, "But now, we need to focus on our work."

"You're so boriiiiiing." I answered.

"Hey, look! Blaise is taking an English leave! Aren't you going to get all SuperBoss on him and bring his a** back on this chair?"

"He is taking a French leave darling."

"I don't think so…French people are known for their cooking, fashion and alcohol. Therefore, English people are known for their "leave", because there is nothing left for them."

"You are such a... a... a cheese-eating surrender monkey!" screamed Pansy before running out of the library.

"Is that even a word?!"

* * *

So, how do you think it was?

For the "donkey things", it's an allusion to the title. The French "âneries" (donkey things) is basically the equivalent of monkey business.

Everytime my father asks me what I am doing, I always answer "J'ai la tête dans le guidon", which is translated by "I'm working so hard that I have my head in the handlebars", even though I am drawing stickmen on my Russian homework. Yeah, my life is so busy! - Little story behind the idiom.

The idiom taking a French leave is one who is always funny to me cause in English we say "taking a French leave" but in French, we say "taking an English leave."

The "cheese-eating surrender monkey" is a not so nice adjective to describe French people. My best friend, who is not French, called me that once. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I hope you guys had a good laugh!

S.


End file.
